BUILDING CHARACTER

Through Awareness, Acceptance, Forgiveness, Gratitude,

Faith, Surrender, and Service

When I was twelve years old, a talk show on the television caught my attention. Mama was propped up on the sofa, watching quietly. I slid down beside her. The topic was “Incest: Young Girls Sexually Molested.” These girls, all of whom were around my age, were speaking out about what had happened to them. I broke down and began crying uncontrollably. Mama was stunned. I curled up in the fetal position on the sofa, rocking back and forth, sobbing. Mama held me until the crying subsided.

Then came the question: “Has this happened to you?” she asked. I nodded in the affirmative. She became furious. I could see the anger, or possibly fear, in her eyes.

“Who?” she asked.

“Daddy D,” I answered. I felt sick at the very core of my being, and I had the painful feeling that this would destroy Mama. For years I had held this big secret to protect her, to protect myself, to protect our family. And now, the guilt was so overwhelming. I felt so guilty having to reveal this horrible nightmare that had gone on for more than six years.

How does a twelve-year-old find inner peace when she has just destroyed her family with the truth?

At age six, I was dazzled by the kindness of this man whom all the children on the block loved and adored as Uncle D. He would come home from work wearing hardhat and covered in paint and cement, handing out nickels and dimes and sometimes candy to all the kids as they (we) would flocked to meet his truck. One day I took this man by the hand and dragged him into the apartment my mother and I shared alone, and I introduced him to my mother as “my new daddy.” She was totally embarrassed. She too fell in love with this gentle giant who gradually moved in and went from being called Uncle D to Daddy D, and we became a family. And he became my abuser.

Mama worked as a nurse on the graveyard shift, and each night, I begged her to stay home as I watched her get dressed and leave the house. Daddy D would fall asleep watching John Wayne on the television. I would go into my bedroom and play teacher. I would line up all my dolls on the bed and pretend they were my students. Daddy D would wake up and come into my room and put me to bed like any other loving father. He would tuck me in, kiss me good night on the forehead, and leave the room. I would cross my fingers hoping that he would not return. Often, he would return, awakening me in the wee hours of the morning for his sexual gratification. During the moments of molestation, I would leave my body and imagine myself flying with the angels to escape. I would simply disappear.

That day when I finally told Mama, she dealt with the situation the only way she knew how—she chose to live in denial. She had confronted him and he denied ever touching me.  We all quietly swept it underneath the carpet and pretended it never happened. I continued to hold this secret, but now, the three of us shared the burden. I found escape in my schoolbooks. I was a straight-A student, quite the overachiever. I was in desperate need of the approval and acceptance offered by my teachers. Mama found escape in her favorite place—at the bottom of a vodka bottle. Daddy D continued to beat her, thinking he could get her to stop drinking. He never touched me again.

Nine years later, at age twenty-one, I was visiting the Self-Realization Center in Los Angeles—a highly spiritual place of worship with beautiful gardens surrounding an enchanting lake. As soon as I entered the grounds, I broke down crying uncontrollably once again. My past had caught up with me. I didn’t understand the pain that gripped my entire body. After all, I now had a strong spiritual foundation. I prayed and meditated daily. I was happy, and I used positive affirmations that gave me a positive outlook on life. I always journaled my feelings, and I gave to the church.

These foundational tools were wonderful, but now, it was time to go deeper. I had to do some work around forgiveness. I had to learn to accept my past, and at the same time, have faith that I was okay. I had to let go and let God. But I didn’t know how or where to start. So I prayed for guidance, and I received it.

First of all, let me say that it requires a certain character to live with inner peace. You must build and develop this character within yourself if you are to live a life in which inner peace is who you are. This section is devoted to helping you build a character that says, “I shall not be moved.” This does not mean that you don’t care about what is going on around you. It simply means you are in control of how you deal with what is going on around you. God is moving you, not the circumstances of the world. You learn to be in the world but not of the world.

Looking back over my life, I realized the magnitude of the personal and spiritual growth that had to occur within me in order to attain inner peace with myself, my family, and the world I was caught up in. I felt as though I was totally guided every step of the way. I never once felt lost or confused about my path. As I traveled back in time reviewing my past with my dear friend Rebecca, my spiritual companion, I was able to recall some of the most intimate details of my process. We were able to narrow it down to seven of the most important principles for building a character that says, “I shall not be moved.” What is presented in this book are bits and pieces of my life’s journey, outlining the seven principles that govern my life.

You can use such tools as prayer, meditation, affirmations, and journaling to have peace within yourself, but it takes more to live inner peace out in the world. The principles I am about to share with you can be applied to any situation where you find that you need to go deeper to find the inner peace you seek.

As years went by, Mama’s drinking increased and she became more and more dangerous, not to herself, only to those around her. She decided a knife was no longer good enough, so her weapon of choice became a small but powerful handgun. Daddy D decided it was time to hit the road for good. He knew he could never tame her, so he left her. Mama had many affairs, and one of them put her behind bars for six months, when she shot and killed a lover half her age in what she called self-defense. What do you say to a two-year-old and a six-year-old when they ask why they can’t visit Grandmamma? She didn’t want them to see her behind the bulletproof glass. But I decided that we must all face our truth. So off we went to visit Grandmamma in her new surroundings and her new uniform. I explained to my little ones that when you are not in control of your life, life has a way of taking control of you. Although they were very young, somehow I think they understood.

I have heard that we are products of our environments. I raised myself in the slums of South Central Los Angeles, where it seemed that the only way out was to sell drugs or sell your body. I found my way out through a strong desire to not re-create for myself the lives my parents were living. They were my greatest teachers. I believe that most of us are products of our environments, but we have a choice as to how we will express who we truly are. We can act out our pasts, or we can consciously create a different future for ourselves. This is why I share my story with you. It is my hope that no matter what you’ve been through, you will realize that you have the power to move beyond it into greater happiness. It all starts with finding inner peace with who you are and where you came from, and clarity about where you want to go in life.

Along my journey to inner peace, I learned a few core concepts that I’d like to share with you:

1.         There is a powerful force at work in the universe. I call it God. You can call it by whatever name you desire. If you don’t have a God, you must find something to believe in that is more powerful and more important than your ego. If you don’t, you will never find inner peace.

2.         That powerful force created us in its image and likeness. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience.

3.         As spiritual beings, we co-create our own realities through our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

4.         Reality comes into existence first as a spiritual impulse, and then as a thought is formed a feeling comes from the thought. We then take action based on what we think and how we feel. This produces what we see in our physical world and the experiences of our daily lives, be it peace or chaos.

5.         We can change our lives by changing the way we think and feel about certain things, which ultimately changes how we react to ourselves and the world around us.

If you think the world is doomed and you act accordingly, you will experience your own personal world filled with doom. If enough people think and feel the same way, we manifest the doom and gloom globally, just as we are experiencing in our world today. This guide for living with inner peace is to help people begin to take charge of the world they are creating for themselves by shifting the way they think and feel about themselves and the world around them. If enough people can see a better world, together we can begin to create a better world.

If you are willing to take responsibility for creating the experiences in your life, you will find much inner peace awaiting you as you continue with this book. You don’t have to know how right now; you only need to be willing to build the character within yourself whose life reflects inner peace and personal freedom.